This is the second post of a 4-part series on the danger of the word SHOULD.

In my last post, I shared that when I ask myself “what should I do?”, I am often stuck in the mindset that there is one absolute best choice in the situation. This kind of thinking has been scaring me from taking actions.

This time around, I want to share with you another way that my usage of the word should have been detrimental to the way I live my life.

One pattern that I have recently noticed in myself is that when I ask the question “what should I do?”, I found myself quickly asking the follow up question of “what would other people expect me to do in this situation?”

In this usage, the word should leads to the idea of expectations from others, which in turn imply judgement. So the simple question of “what should I do?” quickly transformed into a question of “what do others expect me to do in this situation and what is it that I should do so others will not judge me for my decision and/or action?” In the exploration of figuring out what I should do in a situation, I find my answer simply to be to carry out others’ decisions instead of my own. 

A great friend of mine (who shares a lot of similarities with me) once used this metaphor to describe himself and it resonated so much with me, so I am going to steal borrow it!

I feel like a chameleon. Very adaptive and capable to shift myself to fit into the environment and world around me. My ability to make decisions based on my perceived expectations from others has allowed me to become a very adaptable and people-pleasing individual, always knowing the action to take that would allow me to stay on people’s good side and avoid unnecessary conflicts. This ability also allowed me to be a great team player. Obviously this practice has its merits and has gotten me far in life (and gotten me so damn much in life that I am grateful for!), however I have come to realize the negatives of this mindset. 

As I mentioned in a previous post, I believe I have found what I really want to do next. My goal. My dream. And yet, I have been terrified to move towards it. And I think the main reason is simply because it is MY goal. This is something new that I want to create and the path is unclear. I don’t know what others will think and there is no mold to follow. If there is no one else around me to follow and mimic, what do I look like? After so many years of fitting in, I am terrified to stand out and be myself.

As scary as this next step is, though, I know I truly desire to move towards it because I really believe in the vision. And also, I am going to be a father over the next couple months, I want to figure out exactly who I am for my son.

This next step is going to be a big one!

Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash